... growing flowers, friendships, and Me...

“An open home, an open heart,

here grows a bountiful harvest.”

~Judy Hand

One of the reasons I adore gardening is that there are so many daily changes… which even strikes me as funny considering I repeatedly say, “I hate change.” That isn’t exactly true. It’s just that *change* makes me anxious. Hell, everything makes me anxious. I’m a nervous person. When people tell me not to worry, it makes me worry more like perhaps I’m not worrying about the right thing. When my therapist asked me how worrying has ever helped me. I laughed and said, “It’s gotten me this far!” :p I have a good life. I don’t need to worry like I once did. You know, when you’re not sure if you can pay the bills; when you’re not sure you can afford to eat; when you’re not certain this is the right job or the right partner….etc. etc.

Right now my worries are pretty basic with perhaps the most stressful one being will the pumpkins survive?!? See, that isn’t a scary worry really.

“Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor, the enemy of the people. It will keep you cramped and insane your whole life.”

~Ann Lamott

This is my first year growing pumpkins *by complete accident* I will remind you.  I’ve wrestled the basic obstacles folks have growing pumpkins in this climate and in a small yard. From bugs to the recent powdery mildew, we *seem* to be doing alright. I had to cut back several of the leaves (some sites said leave it be; others said it would kill the pumpkins; even others said spray with baking soda; and then, others cautioned me that I could burn the leaves. I did burn some by accident.)

What I continually learn from gardening is that it is trial and error, and that everyone has an opinion. Gardening also reminds me of Beauty. We all have our preferences and society even controls us a bit. This is pretty much like life. We’re all just trying to make it through and be the best versions of ourselves that we can be. I think the same about the pumpkin patch… and the hibiscus plants, and all my flowers really. I want them to meet their full potential but I don’t want to go to extreme measures. I check them daily; I care for them; I love them. If they survive (and I think they will at this point), great! If they do not, it isn’t because I didn’t try hard enough. Again, this is also true in life.  

I try to be the best partner/ daughter/ friend I can be. I don’t always get it right but I try. Sometimes my friends don’t always get it right with me either. Lately I’ve been dealing with a friend who has been displaying some super self-absorbed behavior. She hasn’t asked me in months how I am. She immediately starts in on her problems. I don’t even think she knows who I am anymore. Over the last few years as I have continued to grow into an authentic and happy Me, it seems that she isn’t interested in my happiness but trying to turn over rocks in an attempt to find an unhappy aspect of my life.  It’s hurtful and it makes me sad.

But, it also makes me incredibly grateful for those friends who do try and who genuinely seem to understand me. If you’ve been a reader for a bit, you’ll know that I’ve had a few meet-ups and become friends with a few other bloggers including Franny aka The Curious Professor Z. Franny and I seem to have tons in common and I’ve felt lucky and super blessed that we have had the opportunity to meet and become friends. She has the knack for sending out light & love just when I need it.

A few days ago, I received a package from her. I had been feeling a bit down because I had been super excited about working on a Dark Tourism course but then suddenly a new role and responsibilities seemed to hijack my plans. The course has to be put on hold for a few semesters while I become the Department Chair. Franny’s gift was a book (along with a beautiful card that had a spider stamp… and you all may recall how I am connected to spiders). The book is directly related to the development of my course but it’s also directly connected to me and what I love. And you know what, she knows me… actually knows me and checks in. Isn’t that all we want in our friendships? When I sent a text saying thank you, she even made me feel better and worry less about the pumpkins that I am growing.

This is the season of change. For me, this is the time (well, really Fall is the time) that I write my resolutions. I’m going to think of the changes as *opportunities* and I’m going to do my best to embrace them. In the meantime, I’m going to be thankful for what I do have and what is growing (in flowers and friendships) and continue nurturing them. I’m also going to light my Courage candle and “manifest a miracle” (so the candle instructions read) intending to harness all my worry and doubt and channel it into being the best me I can be.  I will grow from this! I will! As the Wiccans say, So mote it be, y’all... okay, maybe only Southern Wiccans ;D