Thursday, December 4, 2014

... holding on, containing and letting go...



To see a world in a grain of sand,

And a heaven in a wild flower;

Hold infinity in the palm of your hand,

And eternity in an hour.

………………………………………
 Joy and woe are woven fine, 
A clothing for the soul divine. 
Under every grief and pine 
Runs a joy with silken twine.


                                               ~William Blake (1757-1827), "Auguries of Innocence"

For various reasons, I’ve been taking a stroll down Nostalgia Lane these last few days. With all my life changes, it seems poetic to softly gaze over one’s shoulder at the past. I also received some unexpected messages that were reminders. Even my last post mentioning my first love has me reflecting on yesteryears. And of course, there was Poe’s returned love story that makes one ponder just a wee bit.

Some of this leads down a path I’m not so proud of but in this age of social media and the interwebs haven’t we all tiptoed into lands not quite protected to gaze at the spiders who can’t tell they’re being watched? I’m sure you too have peeped a time or two. So I crept through a maze channeling my younger self’s memory of names that haven’t been spoken in decades only to find a picture showing that the shell of what was had changed immensely. In fact, I wouldn’t have recognized him if it were not for the place right around his eyes. He wasn’t looking directly at the camera and while nothing looked like what I remember, there was that sense that he, somewhere, was still there…somewhere… perhaps contained deep within. Without going into detail because goodness I wasn’t supposed to be where I was, he had changed in more than outer appearance. His identity, the one that I knew, was altered in a way that from my reading of that one picture shows that he let go. And I don’t mean that he let himself go either. It’s hard to explain while remaining private but he seemed to have stopped being who he wanted to be/ who he once was.

All of this started me thinking about how we become who we are, and how we hold on to who we are in spite of how hard living can be. People say that being goth is a phase. There are plenty of us who prove that this isn’t always the case. But it makes me think about those of us (because I had to for a time) who had to let go of our clothing or look just to function at work or among our peers or family…whatever the reason, it was just easier to let go and try to be someone else, or at least hide who you actually are. I’m so grateful that I returned to Me, that I’m no longer trapped being inauthentic in a fake life. But how many of us have let go and have never returned?  Maybe they’ll never return.  So when I look at the picture, I’m not thinking about the weight he put on (haven’t we all put on some pounds and aged and etc.), but I’m wondering what happened to him after I knew him so well. What was it that changed him? Was life hard for him? Would he put on a happy face? Would he be the same? I don’t think this has to be an awful thing. Sometimes letting go is simply letting go. Sometimes we let go for our loved ones.
 
I typically choose to hold on… to memories, to connections, to inanimate objects… even to my hair that was in awful need of a trim. (Because of this, I had to opt for a chop just to get my hair back to healthy.)  I had a piece of my wedding veil preserved in a heart pendant with glitter (by ModJules on Etsy.)  It arrived this week and I’m wearing it close to my heart.  After drying my bridal bouquet, I placed my much loved bouquet in a jar. Similarly, I put my fella’s boutonniere from the wedding into a snow globe sans water so that we can gaze upon it without disturbing the petals.  

In my interweb prowling, I came across this quote:

“You’re just another story I can’t tell anymore.”― I Wrote This For You

A poignant line about letting go… perhaps to get back to healthy.  



15 comments:

  1. VERY thought-provoking post; I'm going to read it again when I'm not half asleep. And the pendent you made of the veil bat is awesome! I love doing things like that, it's so unique and personal.

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  2. I love your pendant. I can say, I went "normal" but came back. I look back at those pictures of me when I was normal. I am smiling, Everyone is telling me how pretty I look with my blonde locks and blue shirt. I look at my eyes. I see that the smile is fake. I am screaming inside. There were still very visible goth undertones, lets face it, you can only wear that mask for so long. The people knew me best, said that I was a goth in colors LOL I look back at my past often. I am proud of the person I became today. I love your hair by the way. You are very pretty

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    1. Sylvie, that's exactly what I mean. You totally understood.

      You are too sweet! Thank you. My hair also smells like grapes... Like grape bubblegum (bet your son would love that!) because of the shampoo the stylist used. She suggested using it because it has a tint for *blonde hair* (cough cough grey) that will turn my much lighter roots purple between hair dying.

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  3. It's weird to look at past crushes or boyfriends and see where they've ended up. When I was younger I knew this kid who I adored, I thought he was so cool. He was one of my friends and I had a little girl crush on him. Out of curiosity I looked him up online awhile back, to see how he was doing. He was nice, as expected. He ended up leading a perfectly normal life. That sounds weird, but I guess I always figured he'd do something awesome because he was such a cool guy. Instead he turned out, well, kind of boring lol. He looked a little like he used to. His spelling wasn't great and he wasn't a stellar conversationalist. He wouldn't be anybody I'd date today. He's nice enough, I just can't imagine having to endure an hour of lacklustre conversation with him lol.

    Growing up there weren't many people I knew in the goth scene. A few guys wore pentagrams and black clothes for a bit but they weren't actually goth. They just did it because of the music that was popular at the time. This one kid didn't even know he was wearing a pentagram! So yeah, I never dated goth guys because there weren't any. But I did have a friend that stopped being goth randomly. It was before she passed away. My friends and I hadn't seen her in ages and suddenly photos surfaced of her wearing pink shirts and blue jeans. This chick used to protest against wearing "normal" clothing. It didn't make sense to me and it's too bad she's gone because I'd love to ask her what happened. I guess for some people goth is just a phase. It's a way to express yourself. As you grow up, your personality and ideals change and being goth is either no longer sufficient or relevant for expressing yourself. I mean, is it any wonder that so many people give up goth after they're done being teenagers? I don't think it's always because of work, we have the term corp goth for a reason. I think for some people goth is just a social crutch to get them through an awkward stage of life. Then of course there are those who feel that goth is *more* than self expression through fashion; it's a state of mind or it's a lifestyle. I think those are the kind of people who remain goth, even if they may not outwardly look it.

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    1. One of the reasons my fella and I took so long to get married is because I've been divorced twice. I've been a horrible picker in the past and have chosen poorly for myself. In both past marriages, my ex's adored how I dressed/behaved/was while we were dating but then while married I was mocked/laughed at etc. For me, dressing more normal was a way to survive until I could get out of the relationship. But I remember the moment (in fact I have a picture) of when I dyed my hair black in my previous marriage. It was like everything clicked. I'm pretty sure I heard my inner 15-yr-old-goth-girl scream, "We're getting out of this".

      I've reunited with a few old friends who were very much a part of the scene. Some who no longer embrace the aesthetic have seemed a bit surprised when they see me. I got the impression that they thought I hadn't *grown up*. It felt a little insulting but more sad. Of course, one of my good friends did so many drugs she has major gaps in her memory. She doesn't even remember some of the things we did.

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  4. I went normal for academia. I was getting passed up for a lot of opportunities when I was in the "taking classes" phase of my PhD program. So, I stopped being myself only to find out that they were passing me up because of departmental politics and not because I was "freaky." Once I figured this out I gave away all of my "preppy" cloths and went right back to who I am ... though I will admit, I'm much more polished and professional these days. Funny thing, once I embraced all of my the opportunities came rolling in. :) Sending you so much love. Yeah, we need to figure out a place and time to meet up. Maybe I can head down to DC in the spring and we'll meet for lunch or to do the galleries?

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    1. I *thought* that I was holding back a bit but after earning tenure, I celebrated with purple highlights. No one seemed to notice :-/ I realized that they thought I was weird all along so it didn't matter if I did or didn't wear spider web hose. In fact, I think the administrators actually enjoy my look (more than tolerate it) because I draw a bit of attention to the course I'm teaching. It's like I'm a walking advertisement :p They're happy; the students are happy; I'm happy.

      YES! I still have a little ounce of hope that I'll make it to the MET's Mourning Attire exhibit so maybe I'll make my way up to NY. Are you going to the PCA/ACA conference in New Orleans in April? I'll be there!

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    2. Holy crap!!! Seriously? I'm presenting a paper there -- a summary of my dissertation -- for Visual Culture. Ed's actually coming with me because he loves the Pop Culture Conferences. I'm the area chair for American Studies for MAPACA. WAHOO! We need to get together and hang out!!!

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    3. Awesome! I'll get to meet you both :D I'll be presenting a paper too! (Vampire as the Cultural Other: Understanding Deafula) This is my first time attending their conference.

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  5. Good to hear about people in careers being embraced for a bit of a different look. I find your post especially interesting because of all the changes in my life this year. I don't always wear black anymore but I don't think I will grow out of loving the supernatural or Gothic things and music, and I am getting more into magick! It is weird to think about how we once were and how our friends were and the changes in our lives.

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    1. At least in my experience...

      Getting into magick is cool. A few years back my good friend who is a Wiccan encouraged me to cast some spells. Maybe it's my Catholic upbringing but I really enjoyed the ritualistic aspects of it... and nature of course. I even have a wee cast iron cauldron that I use. But I'm terribly bad at forming habits sometimes.

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  6. I really love this post. Recently I'm finding myself in nostalgia more often than not, and sometimes I'm not sure it's all that good for me, sometimes it's exactly what I need. I'm at a 'begin again' point in my life. I suspect we all know people like this, who walk away from who they used to be for whatever reason, and I've done it myself, for a time.

    There's something so flowing and beautiful about the wording that you use, the verse and the pictures. Just lovely.

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    1. Aww thanks. When I was younger I used to want to be a writer. That was before blogging (and the internet) existed... and before grad school beat the fun out of writing.

      I started this blog because I was near the end of a *begin again* period myself. I guess I could argue that I'm in a new *begin again* period since I just got married but the marriage and my fella moving into my house aren't so scary. As Blake writes, "Joy and woe are woven fine"

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