Thursday, September 22, 2016

...a vampire dress, Halloween totes, and the past...



“Think only of the past
as its remembrance gives you pleasure.”
 ~Jane Austen

I have much to do this morning so I’m taking a moment to write a blog post, not to avoid but to do a bit of processing.

Initially, this post was going to be about my new awesome Hell Bunny Kiss Me Deadly dress from Cats Like Us. It arrived yesterday so as soon as I arrived home I decided to try it on. I was having a really great afternoon. First, a woman on the shuttle told me that I was “beautiful and completely stunning” which is always a happy compliment especially since I basically threw my outfit together at the last minute wearing jeans and pigtails. The classes that I taught went well and I even felt as though I made good progress in reading for my classes.

I also thought about doing a quick post about these Halloween shopping totes from Target that I picked up this weekend. I have the versions from last year so this year’s three adds to last year’s three. I love how they fold into themselves making it super convenient to carry.

As I was thinking through the post, I realized, “here we go again”… vampires and bags, or rather, baggage. Sigh.

I would love to write that I once moved with an unpacked box for ten years. The truth is that that box still lives upstairs in my bedroom closet. It includes old letters and paraphernalia from my early undergraduate days, and some left-overs from my high school years. I don’t recall exactly what is inside the box and I never intended for it to remain unpacked but at some point it became a symbol of carrying baggage. I wanted to keep the tangible acknowledgement of the intangible.

It’s the first day of autumn. This always makes me a bit melancholy. It’s the season of Death. Okay, that reads a bit dramatic but in high school my friends started dying in the fall, Halloween to be exact, and the deaths continued to spring. Thanks for the seasonal symbolism, universe.

A few days ago I also received an email from a long-since-passed’s mother, an email I have been avoiding. She sent me an email while I was on vacation in Eureka Springs and I was supposed to drive across the state to visit her… which really means to see him, my memory of a memory.  I don’t want to talk to his mother; I want to talk to him. I want to be alone with his grave. I want to take pictures of it since I might never get to see it again.

When I write that I want to see where he is buried, it reads a bit like I wasn’t at the funeral. I was. I remember exactly where I was standing. Then the family moved his body across the state to be buried on their land, private property. For twenty-six years, I have visited cemeteries and graveyards to visit loved ones and strangers and I have never been able to visit the one who disrupted everything. Disinterment was common in the Victorian era, move grandma if the family moves, but in 1990, it seemed so startling. I lost my friend and I lost his grave. I wasn’t even 16 years old.

I receive an email with hints of (what’s a nicer word for manipulation?) and I become tiny again. I play Depeche Mode’s Blasphemous Rumours and feel the hole in my heart and cry. But I am 42 and my fella tells me that I am big and powerful but I feel handled and powerless. I want to see the grave so very badly but I don’t want the baggage that comes with it. I don’t want to sit in an awkward room talking about her memories of a memory. I remember that she wore a pink silk shirt to his funeral. I hated that shirt; I hate the feeling of silk.

Sometimes I blame him. He was almost 18 and at 18 one gets out… even though I know that isn’t true; even though I understand that mental health doesn’t work that way. But I resort to my inner child, the 15 year old goth girl who frightened her teachers and parents because she just didn’t know how to process death.

How does this connect with a vampire dress and little tote bags? Well, vampires are forever. They’re a constant friend; they’re the “monster” in the Boris Karloff “The monster was the best friend I ever had” quote.  And the little Halloween tote bags, well, they’re neat and tidy, how I like to keep my baggage: pleasantly in-check and slightly hidden. 

All these memories swirling led me to go in search of an old picture (I was horrible about developing film back in the day; I still have disc film from middle school that I keep as a joke. I'm sure it will never be developed) and ended up finding an assortment of random shots. Most of these are circa 1989-1990. The last show with the polka-dot socks, the Shawn socks, is at least 1993.


17 comments:

  1. Ok first things first I LOVE the dress! OMG! I saw that on the pic you posted last night and thought that is gorgeous! and it looks so good on you!

    Also, its uncanny that you write this today because I saw socks polka dotted with skulls on them today and thought of you and was like I NEED these for January, but I forgot to buy them. They say the brain is the first to go, minds almost gone. I need to go back and get them!!

    Lastly, the grave. I have been there. Its a bit underwhelming (that is horrible to say as I feel like a grave is a place to represent the person that "stays" there. He was such a big personality. He was so loud (you mentioned that in a previous blog I just read). He was larger than life itself. The grave is small and quiet and not what I think of when I think of him at all. I'm not sure where he SHOULD be. But I do wish it wasn't where he is.

    I cannot add much more than that. I do understand how you feel about the awkwardness of the situation to visit. If there was something more there in that town it might feel like you were going for more than just THAT?? I don't know. Maybe there is another cemetery in that town to visit. Some history you could find to beef up the trip? Just throwing out suggestions. shushing now! <3 Love you!

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    1. I hoped you would read this and give me some advice. Thank you. Of all people, you get this. I'm sure I could find something to do but I both want to see the grave (because I always have-- I'm assuming it is the same gravestone?!?) and I want to keep the past the past. More than that, I'm not sure if I will be let alone to sit or if there will be hovering, ya know. I'm going to have to sleep on it for a bit. I know she's lonely but as my therapist would say, it isn't my responsibility to resolve this.

      Thanks! I adore the dress.

      Love you!

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    2. If I remember correctly, I believe same stone is there. The original cemetery was in Blackstone as well?? was it not? I cant remember. I thought we drove a long time to get there. I do remember though its in the yard. There might be a bench?? Ohh I wish I was home, I would just go with and take care of the chatty part I know you don't want to deal with. You may punish me for that later.

      I would think it would be ok to just draw a proverbial line or maybe even say that after you initially chat with her that you feel the need to be alone with your thoughts or maybe weep in silence or what have you. I cant see why she wouldn't respect that. Maybe you could even say Id like some time alone and I can check back in with you when I have finished? Something. Honestly, its been a long time, Im certain she could understand that. I imagine she goes out there to be alone with her thoughts sometimes as well.

      But no its not your place to have to entertain. She might like to hear about how your life is too. I know she appreciates that people have cared enough to stay in touch. <3 I hope you figure something out that feels comfortable for you. :) Love you. I know Im not there, but I am here. <3

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  2. The dress is is stunning and complete you beautifully on you . I love those cutise shopping bags there so cute.

    I really sorry you going through a bad time of year. Hopefully, you'll find strength to get through sending all my love.

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    1. Thanks, Sarah. I appreciate that. I think after a few days my perspective has changed a bit and I don't feel trapped into making a decision.

      And OhMyWord I am obsessed with this dress.

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  3. The dress is adorable. Perfectly YOU!

    You ARE beautiful and completely stunning, and your smile is a beacon. It's what I notice first in your old photos. (Develop the film. That stuff has a shelf life.)

    If you make the trip and visit the new grave, or if you choose not to, remember that Shawn is in your heart, with you wherever you are.

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    1. Where the heck can you develop disc film?!? :p This is why I obsessively take so many pictures with my phone now.

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  4. Ohhh yes! Got it from my place of employment and it looks WONDERFUL on you. Secondly, I am sorry that you going through a tough time.....he is always with you whether or not you visit the grave. <3

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    1. Thanks, Meagan. Didn't intend to drop a therapy session on everyone but that's how blog posts go sometimes.

      I love everything about this dress!

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  5. First off the dress is beautiful and with your stunning figure it is perfect. The box in the closet is an easy fix (I organize closets beyond sane really) Get a very cool storage box, transfer the items to it (you don't have to sort a thing just grab and pile) then label the box - keepsakes. Project done. ;) I have two small ones of those and only last year did I sort through them.

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    1. Alicia,
      Thank you! I assure you it is ALL the cut of this dress but I'll take it.

      That's a good idea about the storage bin. I love quick fixes and hidey holes! I always wanted one of those ottomans with a secret storage for blankets so that I could dump my pile of books that always forms on the coffee table into it.

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  6. I love the old pictures. I'm sorry these deaths happened so young. You have grown up wonderfully!

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  7. You look great in the dress. Man that is a tough one. I think you should go. Maybe his mom won't be as bad as you think.

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  8. Gotta love compliments from strangers! I usually am that stranger actually :)

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  9. Been offline (well, off the blogsphere) for a while. There's little I can add to what others have said, other than I hope you find a resolution of sorts regarding your friend's grave. I'm someone who likes to be alone at the graves of the people I have loved and lost, so understand that need. I don't feel I can 'talk' to them with others hovering about.

    And the dress is super lovely. There's nothing better than getting that frock that makes you feel instantly happy the moment you put it on (for me it's Disturbia's Thursday dress. Much more than a plain jersey dress!). May you have many more days like the one you had here.

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  10. Hi! Can you tell me what size you purchased in this dress? Or if it is true to size? Thanks! :)

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    1. I bought the XL because I'm kind of a busty girl and I didn't want to be busting out. This link includes the measurements-- http://catslikeus.com/products/hell-bunny-kiss-me-deadly-1960s-dress#full_description

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