...the garden heals me...

Midnight Mystery Asiatic Lilies

I haven’t been feeling well the last few days. My body feels rundown and somewhat achy. My ears feel full. I check my weather app to see if the allergens are high in the area; they aren’t. Do I have the flu? Have I gotten Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever? Did a pesky mosquito give me some virus? Last night I fell asleep watching a show with my fella. I slept for 9 hours. I woke up only to still not feel better. 

Midnight Mystery Asiatic Lilies

This morning was the Richmond Daylily Society Show and Sale at the local botanical gardens. I headed there, purchased some lily bulbs, headed home and proceeded to plant ten daylilies and some iris bulbs a friend gave me. The best medicine for me is always the magic of plants and gardening. Now I’m the right kind of exhausted. And, I’m reflecting on why I’ve been so down lately. This entire week I have been quite melancholy even with friends visiting and good weather. Nearly a month ago, I took my mother on a trip to Savannah. My fella says that [as a bit of an empath] I’m still recuperating.

‘Nosferatu’ Daylily

My mother says that I don’t trust anyone. As I was planting my bulbs from the daylily show, I had to trust that the labels were correct. My mother says that I don’t have any patience. I am so patient that I frequently wait an entire year for plants to bloom. This year, my Superstition Iris didn’t bloom. I most likely planted it too deep and fixed that by replanting it. I’m slightly disappointed but not enough for me to not be excited about its future potential. It really is that gorgeous.  

Pagan Dance Iris

I’m not being dramatic when I write that it will be our last mother and daughter trip. My mother is nearing her 80s and her physical health is not great. She has limited mobility, arguably by choice. Aside from her physical health, her mental and emotional health have never been good. 

And, after 45 years of trying to be whatever she wants or hopes me to be as her daughter, and over a decade of therapy, I’ve learned that I will always have a biological need to want my mother to like me; and, I am not the labels she has applied to me. I will struggle with accepting this the rest of my life but I certainly do not have to put myself in a position to deal with her on a daily basis.

 

Columbine

I joke that I have mommy issues but when I put my hands in the soil, I think of Mother Nature, the personification of nature that gives life and nurtures in a way that I believe a real mother should. Humans are complicated. Plants continue to save my life every single day.