“Think only of the past
as its remembrance gives you pleasure.”
~Jane Austen
I
have much to do this morning so I’m taking a moment to write a blog post, not
to avoid but to do a bit of processing.
Initially,
this post was going to be about my new awesome Hell
Bunny Kiss Me Deadly dress from Cats Like Us. It arrived yesterday so as
soon as I arrived home I decided to try it on. I was having a really great
afternoon. First, a woman on the shuttle told me that I was “beautiful and
completely stunning” which is always a happy compliment especially since I
basically threw my outfit together at the last minute wearing jeans and
pigtails. The classes that I taught went well and I even felt as though I made
good progress in reading for my classes.
I
also thought about doing a quick post about these Halloween shopping totes from
Target that I picked up this weekend. I have the versions from last year so
this year’s three adds to last year’s three. I love how they fold into
themselves making it super convenient to carry.
As
I was thinking through the post, I realized, “here we go again”… vampires and
bags, or rather, baggage. Sigh.
I
would love to write that I once moved with an unpacked box for ten years. The
truth is that that box still lives upstairs in my bedroom closet. It includes
old letters and paraphernalia from my early undergraduate days, and some
left-overs from my high school years. I don’t recall exactly what is inside the
box and I never intended for it to remain unpacked but at some point it became
a symbol of carrying baggage. I wanted to keep the tangible acknowledgement of
the intangible.
It’s
the first day of autumn. This always makes me a bit melancholy. It’s the season
of Death. Okay, that reads a bit dramatic but in high school my friends started
dying in the fall, Halloween to be exact, and the deaths continued to spring.
Thanks for the seasonal symbolism, universe.
A
few days ago I also received an email from a long-since-passed’s mother, an
email I have been avoiding. She sent
me an email while I was on vacation in Eureka Springs and I was supposed to
drive across the state to visit her… which really means to
see him, my memory of a memory. I
don’t want to talk to his mother; I want to talk to him. I want to be alone
with his grave. I want to take pictures of it since I might never get to see it
again.
When
I write that I want to see where he is buried, it reads a bit like I wasn’t at
the funeral. I was. I remember exactly where I was standing. Then the family
moved his body across the state to be buried on their land, private property.
For twenty-six years, I have visited cemeteries and graveyards to visit loved
ones and strangers and I have never been able to visit the one who disrupted
everything. Disinterment was common in the Victorian era, move grandma if the
family moves, but in 1990, it seemed so startling. I lost my friend and I lost
his grave. I wasn’t even 16 years old.
I
receive an email with hints of (what’s a nicer word for manipulation?) and I
become tiny again. I play Depeche Mode’s Blasphemous Rumours and feel the hole
in my heart and cry. But I am 42 and my fella tells me that I am big and
powerful but I feel handled and powerless. I want to see the grave so very
badly but I don’t want the baggage that comes with it. I don’t want to sit in
an awkward room talking about her memories of a memory. I remember that she
wore a pink silk shirt to his funeral. I hated that shirt; I hate the feeling
of silk.
Sometimes
I blame him. He was almost 18 and at 18 one gets out… even though I know that
isn’t true; even though I understand that mental health doesn’t work that way.
But I resort to my inner child, the 15 year old goth girl who frightened her
teachers and parents because she just didn’t know how to process death.
How
does this connect with a vampire dress and little tote bags? Well, vampires are
forever. They’re a constant friend; they’re the “monster” in the Boris
Karloff “The monster was the best friend I ever had” quote. And the little Halloween tote bags, well, they’re
neat and tidy, how I like to keep my baggage: pleasantly in-check and slightly
hidden.
All these memories swirling led me to go in search of an old picture (I was horrible about developing film back in the day; I still have disc film from middle school that I keep as a joke. I'm sure it will never be developed) and ended up finding an assortment of random shots. Most of these are circa 1989-1990. The last show with the polka-dot socks, the Shawn socks, is at least 1993.